It took me some time to accept what has happened to me. I felt yuck, like something was broken, like I was a mutant. I often joked "My Mutant tit and I." I was scared of death, I felt like I needed to get all my affairs in order and say my goodbyes. After came shock and the disbelief.
Why me?
My friend Christine, a fellow sufferer of breast cancer - she has beat the bastard - said to me she felt the same way. She asked her doctor "Why me?" with which he replied "Why not you?" This is a harsh but true statement. Cancer is un bias. It does not care about gender, age or race. As long as you are human it is a threat. I broke plates, screamed at the top of my lungs, cried, cursed, and almost broke a mac book. Even though my prognosis was positive I didn't understand why this had happened to me.
My whole life I have been blessed, healthy, loved and successful. I have had little trauma. I am a hard worker, a massive lover of life and I always take every opportunity I am given. I had always feared not having enough time on this earth to everything I want too do.
Ever since I was young I have feared cancer, and my biggest fear came true. Some of you know I was diagnosed with anxiety at the age of 13 after I was bullied severely at school. I dealt with my anxiety till 21 when I decided to go on medication. I had weened myself down to 3 tablets a week from 1 a day before this happened. Now I am on 2 tablets a day to deal mentally with what is happening to me. This whole experience for a person with strong mental health is already extremely challenging, and with adding in my anxiety to the Cancer Cocktail has been very hard. It has tested everything I have ever struggled with and made me see life in a new light.
I would say to myself, If I worry about something happening it won't happen, which has worked for me as a theory for the past 13 years. Turns out that theory is completely floored when it comes to this situation. I worried about cancer and yet I still got it.
This experience has taught me to live in the moment, always be great full for everything you have in your life, there is always someone worse off than you. I always wanted to be somewhere else, doing something cooler, be thinner, be prettier, have a smaller nose, all of those stupid things don't matter now. All that matters is that you have your health and you are happy. I am sad it took me this to realise how lucky I truely am.
I look forward to living a normal life again but forever my life will be shaped by what is happening to me now. I have spoken to a lot of survivors and they say that as hard as this journey is it has had nothing but a positive effect on their lives after.
I can't wait to help others through this and give back to all that have given to me.