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  • Writer's pictureDani Gruzelier

Life's too short, keep the fur coat.


This Saturday it will be three months since I was diagnosed. Oh, how life has changed, and I can't say it has all been for the worst either.


This weekend I am heading to Waiheke with a group of friends. I have never been to Waiheke before (I know, I can't even call myself an Aucklander, it is so shameful) so I am very much looking forward to spending time in the sun. I cannot drink a lot, only two units in one sitting. One unit is the equivalent to a really tragically small wine pour at an expensive bar, not like a Rugby Club wine pour - they are always the best value for money. As suggested by my friend Josh, I am going to order some Rose´ spritzers to make my drink count go a bit further. I also have to be careful of the sun. When you are on chemo you become highly sensitive to the sun. I have to find myself a good wide brimmed hat and invest in some SPF50. I will post some pictures up of the day.


So, these last two weeks have been challenging. I have become very much a hypochondriac. Every bump, bruise, pain, and ache I cannot but help thin the cancer has spread or I have a new cancer. I spoke about my mole in my recent posts. This mole has now got it's own report and photoshoot since we last spoke, overkill I know, but I can safely say it is the most well documented mole in New Zealand and it is not cancerous. Surprise, surprise. Now, it is a lump on my leg I have had for 5 years. I have had doctors check it since I first discovered it after a bang to my leg. It has never grown in size and all have said that there is nothing to worry about, it is probably a scar on my muscle from trauma. But you know me, I still am uneasy so asked my doctor if I could have an ultrasound. She said to me "Dani, this shows no signs of concern. If it wasn't you I would send the person off quite happily to get on with their day, but I think an ultrasound will put your mind at ease." So I have an ultrasound of a lump on my leg next Tuesday. A lump that, until now, had never bothered me and has been checked SO thoroughly yet I still am obsessed with it. Poor thing is sore now from how much I have poked and prodded it.


I get nervous for any speed bumps or road blocks getting in the way of me getting better. I also feel that I am transferring a lot of anxiety about having cancer onto a different outlet to try and help process how I am feeling. Bring on Tuesday to eliminate another worry and bring on the next. When one worry is eliminated another one always pops up in its' place. Because of this I have booked to start seeing a health psychologist. My first session is on Friday. The lady I am seeing specialises in trauma bought on by health issues. I think it is important for now and also after treatment to deal with the trauma that has come with my diagnosis. I am excited to build a connection with this lady and lean on her for support.


On Monday night I had a brilliant night. I had dinner with my friends, Libby, Nicole and Lucy at Coco's Cantina. I met them at art school and we have continued to be friends for many years now. We spent some very late nights together at uni painting, drinking and always had coffees down at the local cafe. We all graduated together and are now all working in creative industries. Nicole is working for a famous NZ fashion label and getting married, Libby has been a successful photographer and producer for many years now and Lucy works as a stylist for Glassons. It is so cool seeing your friends do well and are happy. We sat together reminiscing on old times and celebrating the future. As the sun went downI though to myself, this is living. I was fully in the moment. This is something that I have always struggled with and now I am mastering the art. You never know what the next day will bring so enjoy the now.


Scanxiety is a very real thing, and something I will have to learn to manage. For the next 5 years, at the very least, I will be monitored. Meaning I will have regular blood tests and scans to make sure my cancer hasn't come back. I am trying to learn the skills to make sure that these uncertainties don't ruin my day to day life. I don't want this pending chemo and ultrasound (which will probably be fine but I am still scared) to ruin my now. Those are next weeks issues not todays, plus, if they did find something I would be annoyed I wasted this week worrying wouldn't I?


"Life's too short, keep the fur coat."


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