OCD isn't just washing your hands multiple times.

As I mentioned earlier, I was booked into start seeing a health psychologist this week.

I was quite nervous for this, because I have never been to one and was not sure what to expect. My mum accompanied me, she won't for the rest of the sessions but the initial one I wanted some support.

I went in thinking I knew who I was and why I behaved the way I do. like I always have been told, I had anxiety. That was what it was. Little did I know, by the end of the session I had uncovered why I am the way I am. OCD.

OCD to me, had always been over washing your hands, repeating activities over and over again, and being obsessed with physical things. I didn't know it could actually be thought related.

Ever since I was a small child I have always been very intense. I have required a lot of attention and mum has always said I "suck the oxygen out of the room." I am very polarising and also very energetic. In everything I do, I go 100 miles per hour. You wouldn't say "I am going to go chill with Dani, she is such a chilled out girl." would you? I often find people don't know how to take me at first and have often said I am someone who will grow on you.

Men who have dated me will know I fall hard and fast. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am an intense lover. If I love you I have the tendency to become quite suffocating. I have worked on this over the years and have learnt how to behave better. I am very black and white and very task orientated. I love to do list's - they are like crack to me.

I like to be in control and know what is going to happen next. This behaviour started young. I rewatched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory every day for a year as a small child and I can still recite every word of it. I l made my mum read me the same book for months. If she even missed a paragraph or word out, I knew. When my father would leave to go to work he had too stop at the end of the driveway and wave back at me while I sat by the window otherwise I would cry the whole day. This has presented itself in my life now because I rewatch TV shows and movies. I find it hard to start a new show as it is comfort for me to know what happens next.

I am a creature of routine and I need consistency. I struggled in my last relationship because my partner would often be inconsistent with his behaviour and I could not gauge him, so I found that bought on a lot of anxiety in my early twenties. It wasn't his fault. I know I drove him wild with my obsessive thoughts and paranoia.

My problem is, obsessing over anxious thoughts, I can't let go and I can't recognise these thoughts as being just thoughts. They feel real to me and very threatening. No matter how many times people reassure I won't listen. I continue to badger them with the same line over and over again. For example - when I found out I had cancer I just could not accept that I was going to live. I asked my mum, surgeon and oncologist multiple times "I won't die aye?" with which they responded "No." but I just couldn't accept it or trust them. My mind goes around in loops like a broken record. It is so tiring being in my head sometimes. I remember my mum saying to me "Just stop thinking like this Dani!!" with which I responded "Do you think I want to be like this mum? This is torture for me!!"

Here is an image of a normal functioning brain VS an OCD brain.

Image sourced from: http://hope4ocd.com/overview.php

Quite shocking right? No wonder us wee obsessors get tired.

My obsessive thoughts ruin my day. I can't seperate a thought from reality and it defines who I am and how I live.

For the next few months I will be visiting the psychologist once every two weeks to undergo Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (Very interesting if you want to google!). I really want to change my behaviour and live a less obsessive life. I have coped for so long but cancer was the tipping point that made me want to uncover and treat this.

I just want to let you know, you are not alone. I really want to talk about this because if we can share the load, we can share the battle.