"I don't care how many tattoos you have, tattoo your whole body! I just want you."

I am absolutely gutted. I cannot get tattooed during this process. I think if I could it would keep me much more sane. For me, tattoos have become such a release. It is the one moment where my brain stops running, and I am completely in the moment. They have helped me so much wth my anxiety.

I got my first tattoo at 22 years old. I waited years to do it because my parents are both so against tattoos. It was a tiny set of flowers on my ribs. It took all of 15 minutes for my tattoo artist (I still see him regularly now - he is contributing to my left arm sleeve and he has done multiple pieces on my legs) to finish it. I can't remember if it hurt. It probably hurt at the time because I wasn't use to the pain at all, I still bloody hate it. I personally find it so painful but worth it when the piece of art is finished.

I started slowly adding to my collection, but I swore to my parents I would never get any that are visible (they were horrified when they started to creep out from under my skirts and sleeves).

I remember the first large one I got on my thigh, I was absolutely distraught, It was so big and so sore. It put me well off the whole thing for about a year. I got a few small ones here and there and I lusted after the thought of getting more. I was just too scared to upset my mum, every time I got a new one she would cry. It was so sad and it drove the whole thing underground. I would get them in secret, covering up when I was at home. I didn't want to hide them cause I loved them so much and they have become part of my identity.

After my last treatment I want too finish both my sleeves then start on my back pieces which I want to dedicate to this journey. After falling unwell my mum turned to me and said "Nothing matters anymore. I don't care how many tattoos you have, tattoo your whole body! I just want you." Looks like i'll be back in that tattoo chair, guilt free, very soon.