Chemo 4 out of 6 is almost done! I feel like I'm appearing out of the chemo fog. I am on my last day of steroids too which I am relieved about. I don't like taking them, they make me feel odd and buzzy. I still am taking anti-nausea tablets till the end of today but I have not had to take the intense anti-nausea which can create constipation, so that has been a very big plus! I also have not broken out in acne on my neck like I did with the last chemo drugs, and finally the scars are healing with the help of coconut oil.
This week I had a hard come down after getting my good ultrasound results. It is amazing to have great news but also scary cause you fear something may get in the way of the great news and take it from you. I have found chemo much more mentally draining this week than physically. I have had different side effects to deal with too so that was nerve wracking but now I know what it is like with this new chemo, next time won't be as surprising. It am ashamed to say, but I have had Maccas 4 days in a row. It is all my tummy wanted and I thought, fuck it? Let's just get through this rough patch as best we can and if chicken nuggets and chips are the answer, so be it!
My parents are away in Wellington this coming week, they left yesterday. They planned this before I became unwell and they kept saying they wouldn't go but I am so happy they did. I am so proud of my mum for going. I know it is so hard for her to leave me but she deserves this week away to relax. My dad is a vintage motorbike enthusiast, those of you who have seen his garage know how talented he is, and there is a swap meet on down in Wellington as well as world of wearable arts which mum wanted to go too so it worked out well. I am excited to see them on Sunday and mum said she would take me next year when I'm better so that is something I am very much looking forward too.
I had convinced myself this week I had melanoma. I visited my beautiful doctor to relieve the worry. She even took microscopic image on her iPhone of the mole by attaching a small microscope to the camera lens! Technology these days. She talked me through the mole and all the things she would look for if it was malignant. She has this amazing way of knowing exactly how to deal with my anxious mind. She also said she is happy to take the mole off and the end of treatment so I don't have to worry about it. I have covered the mole with a band aid so I don't look at it and obsess about it. My oncologist said she will have a look at it too when I next see her. She specialises in melanoma and breast cancer so she knows her stuff! As obsessive as this is, I have to do what I can to get through.
I have trouble trusting my body, I still feel like It wants me dead sometimes cause it has turned on me and betrayed me. I have spoken to so many cancer survivors and they all have the same fears as me. It is nice not to feel alone but breaks my heart so many others have these awful fears that can plague their day, draining the positivity out of it. The best advice I can give is if your worried, just go check, that way you can put your mind at ease and move on.
Today I woke up and me and nick cleaned the whole house. I love having a clean house. We do a good clean every week and I must say it makes my whole mental state change. I never used to be a clean bunny until we got our own place and it is one of the most rewarding feelings being house proud. "Clean home, clean mind" has become my favourite motto.
I have had trouble sleeping lately too, tossing and turning a lot and having my mind play tricks on me. I have found playing nature sounds, particularly the sea, very soothing and helps me fall asleep - even nicks on board with it so I don't have to use headphones!
I am so grateful to all of you who have been there for me this week, thank you. It has been a tough one but a new week is coming and I am excited to get back to work on Wednesday with my beautiful work mates. It will be sad though cause my work mate William, has left the EMA Marketing team to go and work at an agency, best of luck Willy! You will nail it. He is the artist responsible for the beautiful image of me that is featured on my instagram profile and the image for this blog post. He is an amazing friend and artist and I will miss working with him. He has always been a huge support to me, as a friend and as a colleague and I will be forever grateful for meeting him and working with him.
I also have my eyebrow henna appointment to look forward to on Tuesday which I will upload some pictures of for you all to see! I love you all, be safe, well and happy cause life is fab.
Dani xx
- Artwork by William Lee.