Chemo 3/6 - HALFWAY babay!

Mate, number three was hell on earth.

I was very sick this time. I was also emotionally very un-hinged. I always find the 3rd and 4th day the hardest, this is when I feel like I have cancer and I can't deny it.

On the Wednesday night after my chemo I was lying on the couch and I started picking at my back. I have always been a picker but this time it was bad, I picked two moles off. I get very 'pepped' up from the steroids they give me before chemo to stop the intensity of the sickness and it makes me very odd and irritable. The moles bled so much and I immediately decided then and there I had given myself melanoma. After many days of worries I booked myself into the doctor - bare in mind I had my moles checked just 7 weeks ago and had the all clear - the doctor was so kind and reassured me I had just picked them and they would heal up normally. They are looking really good now so Dani you can stop worrying now!

I have mentioned before, once you get cancer you get very paranoid that the cancer has spread to another part of the body. My doctor assured me that the chances of having two seperate cancers - so for example breast cancer and melanoma - is very slim and can only happen if there is a gene mutation present which I do not have. The breast cancer can spread, but if this was the case, it would spread to parts of the body that are closer to the site of the original cancer. So for me - Sternum, lymph nodes and lungs would be more likely than a mole on my back.

Im embarrassed to say, I go to the doctor once a month with little aches and pains to reassure myself everything is OK. I feel bad cause I don't want to give in to the paranoia and feed it but at the moment I just need as little trauma as possible. Sometimes I feel I am on the edge of a cliff and one little thing could push me over. I have every inch of me checked and I am very healthy, I just have breast cancer.

This chemo I found physically challenging too. I was far more nauseous than the past few times and so tired. My skin broke out and made me want to hide from the world. I got Uber Eats so many times cause the thought of being out in public sent chills down my spine.

This was the first chemo I had with my new fur baby. She was such a great comfort to me. It is like she knows I am sad and knows the exact time to come and cuddle me. Nick found this chemo challenging too. This whole experience is wearing him down. I hate seeing the people around me suffer when "Cancer Dani" comes out. A lot of the time, when I am not on chemo week, I feel like I don't have cancer, but when it hits me it is devastating.

I am so happy to be half way through. Next week is my progress scan and meeting with my surgeon for a catch up. She is one of my favourite people in the world and I have not seen her in a few months so will be great to see her. After the scan I meet with my plastic surgeon who will be performing the rebuild of my breasts. She is hugely respected in her field and I feel so lucky to have her. My surgeon and plastic surgeon will tag team the surgery as I am having a removal and immediate re build. More news on this next week after our meeting. It feels like it is all happening now and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I had my heart scan (echocardiogram) yesterday. They need to do these scans every 2-3 months as the Herceptin I am on as part of treatment can negatively effect the heart. It is tissue targeted and can (very rarely) effect the heart muscles. I have to wait till next week to confirm all is OK but from looking at my heart on the screen he seemed very happy. The scan goes on for 15 minutes where an ultrasound is used to take images of the heart. There is a lot of holding of the breath, must be so hard for people who are older. This is where I feel lucky I am so young because I can do the tests really well providing accurate results for the specialists.

I am excited for next week but also nervous. Before chemo my oncologist checks my breast and feels the tumors. Last week she said she could not feel the tumors at all and my breast feels like a normal breast. I just want to have this confirmed in black and white on the screen and I will feel more confident.

I never thought I could live through something like this but everyday I wake up and I am thankful I have a chance to fight, a lot of people don't get this chance. I would not be as strong with out all of you by my side, thank you a hundred million times over. You are all beautiful.